Age of Abridged

So now when my Blog ranks are slipping to all time low and my full interest from the blog has been hijacked by the Twitter-o-mania (twitter.com/ashu81 ) I have realized one fact. The art of long posts have somewhere been lost against the ease of concise it in land of 140.

So from now on in an desperate attempt to keep my first love alive will just update it in the smaller tit bits. Easy for the writer and easier for the reader :P. and am sure my friends would def be very happy who always complained that I drift and wander in the longer posts.

Poem i came across

This is the first line. This line is meaningless.
And this is the second line, in which you’re no longer yourself,
 

which means you aren’t the person from the first line,
and now you aren’t even who you were
 

in lines two and three, and four, and additionally 

in five. This poem is life, I do everything
to be myself in every line, so that every line
by some miracle bends back to me,

meanwhile you, whether you want to or not, 
must live this life and in the last line, as close to the end as possible,
 
make the grade, the subject of which will be you.
You’ll only survive if you admit that the poem spoke of God. 
The last line will come
however faster than thought.


by Tadeusz Dabrowski
from Agni, 2009
translation from Polish: Jennifer Carter-Zielińska

Age of 140

I would say 140 coz repeatedly I am more active on twitter than BlogSpot. However I would like to believe that I am busier now and don’t get the time write a long post and instead just push 140 characters ahead. But the truth is Twitter is convenient, simpler and best part it’s got an option to retweet.

So the short messaging is the way to go………………twitter.com/ashu81

Re-CAP

Life as we know it is a myriad of emotions. Now this is not a new theory and your favorite writer here is not even proposing one.So what happened in all this time gap. I actually proposed a girl who in the barter of not killing her by boredom said YES.( No she wasn’t drunk, no she aint blind either )

So people Ask me How.

Simple strategy : Get the number, Call up, Chat up, rephrase and reuse all your old jokes and if she shows any interest then propose to her. (No meeting till now.)

Don’t ask for an answer till you meet her.

So when you actually meet her the first thing u say: is it true girl don’t decide by the looks: P

Well it might work for few as it did for me J. If it doesn’t then I have 100 other tricks also J

So since now you believe the tale to be true let me go ahead and tell you that to take the audacity further I actually managed to marry the girl. So for All those being unknown to me and also for those who weren’t invited I got Married. (Ref: myriad emotions in the first line).

Now this is no earth shattering stuff people get married all over the place all the time but let’s just say what it means for my loyal readers.

·         No more random party Lech stories.(Absolutely NO way)

·         No more drunken night’s bravery awards accounts.( only if I am updating it drunk :P)

·         No more this weekend this and next weekend that. Though will try to make Big-Bazar trips narrationable(is that even a word ?)

·         No more relationship updates. (From now on relation has a constant status: Married)

More on Shaadi , Azadi and Inkalab in future posts.

Hide and Seek

So all rite I ve bee playing Hide and Seek with the blog.

Ever wondered why it becomes difficult to continue writing after 2 years of super active blogging. Its kinda strange actually as it’s not because the lack of the stuff to write. Its rather overflow of the ideas.

My life has already moved onto the fast track and things have been so fast that I am still adjusting my eyes to see clearly.

I guess the motivation has gone missing. So ppl les dig in and find some

Welcome back ..ME

So I have been off the circuit for the longest time possible. So since now all my loyal readers have run away I can start afresh.

Sometimes rediscovering also needs to be holistic.

For those who are still here.

Good to see ya all

Inglorious Basterds- Tarentino at his best

Its little late in the day to write a review for a movie which has been a huge hit across but I saw it this Sunday and just couldn’t resist to rave about it.

I am a Tarentino fan. Coz if you are not this movie is not for you. The movie has all the ingredients which makes you awe. Movie and the genre has innumerable no of fans worldwide who are willing to worship Tarentino. So instead dilute the passion in my writing I am adding a link of an extremely well written review with which I completely agree. Njoi.
the review

Why so serious

Iterating the lines of legendry Joker of the dark knight fame I believe that we have improved when it comes to sense of humor. It’s no longer the type of country with almost no collective sense of humour. Now we take steps to ensure the humor keeps coming and also we have the knack of finding humor in the most unexpected territories.

Like just yesterday one who not to be named Angry (very very angry) Young (superstars are always young.ref: amitabh in nishabd) Man said that Sachin hasn’t played for Maharashtra but only played for India. Which I agree it’s a very valid point. Instead of going to disgusting places like Durban, Perth or Wellington he should have stayed in Vashi and played in D Y patil stadium only representing Maharashtra. He should have made 100000 runs for the soil of Mumbai and spirit of Marathi manoos.

And worse he hasn’t helped his friend some dude called Vinod Kambli.(Vinod who!!!) the same guy who is a failed dancing sensation, failed reality TV star and sometimes also qualified as failed politician and failed cricketer .But then despite having a failed marriage too he is a  true Marathi he never played for any other place. In fact when he started playing for India he couldn’t take the pressure of the guilt and comeback running to serve his state. And Sachin you selfish prick shame on you.

Sach (in ) ka Saamna : season 2 , Couldn’t have been more apt

Bestseller It is

Modern day wife

Either I am obsessed with my country or I was supposed to be born in the west and accidently got here. Coz everyday happening here just don’t stop to amaze me.

And I am not talking about slum dwellers or rock stars. Contrast stated coz both lives a life style different from other people. Amusing things are not only the tinsel town break ups or psychotic brutality by some serial killer.

 Nandita Puri. Formarly known only as wife of respected Mr. Om puri inked his husbands sex escapades with the maid, neighbor and whoever. I mean he was not even celebrity then and these secrest aren’t really their bed room secrets. These are just some trivia info with no takers.

But then you are no ordinary women. You did this while being in the institution of marriage with Mr. Puri. That what I call guts.

Even Kid rock waited for an year after the break up to release his homesex videos with Pamela .You even bettered him. Hope your biography make some money.Cz I doubt if you`ll get any alimony.

Illpolitical.

I wonder sometime as a nation what do we need as source of entertainment. I mean we have the biggest film industry of the world. I mean really biggest. (if we also include Mallu cine-artists). We have the most disgustingly the dramatic soap operas where every shot is shown thrice. We value saas, bahu and beti`s with equal devotion.

We have more than digestible cricket season. Which we follow like scientists have followed Hailey’s comet .Which ramp Dhoni walked, which new car Harbhajan has bought or yuvraj has been linked up to which starlet this time. And then every time  anybody says we can be No. 1 team we lose the match by a margin. It’s too much entertainment don’t you think.

Not really. We are this drama hungry vultures and our appetite is insatiable. For this GOD gave us terrorism. Now we have an underage iconic figure called “unkle Kasab” giggling in front of court. Grinning ear to ear on the judicial system. Killed more than 100 people in the broad daylight and became a war hero. Shiney Ahuja got worse treatment then him goddammit. I am not saying Shiney did a commendable job by being surrounded by most beautiful women of the country and then coming home and raping the domestic help. I mean dude you never heard things about star power or worse casting couch (Ouch!!). And you fall for minor maid`s tiny lil ass.WTF. But then I am missing the point here, So Kasab has more security then rest of the India. more than a million ppl die every year due to lack of food water and shelter but kasab is safe so that we can improve our ratings in human development index. Amusing ain’t it.

Bloody funny but we are difficult to please genre of people. So we invented politics. Sometimes I feel we as a country are Illpolitical just like Illiterate. We think talking about politics is unprofessional. I mean the max I want from my vote is money well spent. So If I can watch an entertaining thriller against 5 mins of voting exercise I am more than satisfied. So how should I achieve this?

As Raj Kapoor said “Life is a circus “so who so ever is governing yours is better be a joker. So these new jokers are here replacing the older ones. And as any new comers they want meaty roles. And as the 2day`s hits formula says “slap stick comedy” so that’s what it has been.MLA slapping another MLA in the legislature.

Gawd. I died laughing. And so will everybody else being so Illpolitical.

Drive My CAR

I understand its been a while for me on the blog


And now I am almost off the reading list of lot of people. So here I am to start again, and what better way to start than some self depreciatory humor.

I know I know its and old trick to get some cheap traffic on the blog. But I can live with it.

One extremely inconsequential fact about me : I do not know how to drive

Drive my Car
 
 
I mean I don’t know how to snow board, deep sea diving, reiki, surfing, sky diving and whatnot but we`ll stay with driving part.


So I do not know how to drive, I mean what’s so demeaning in it. Rather you get picked up and you get dropped down, what else you want in life.

But after doing extreme brainstorming and weathering the societal jibes I have realized why you must learn how to drive:

• Your roommate has a jazzy car, but u can’t drive .Damn!!!

• Long drive? what’s that

• Your GF always has to go 1 hr early than the scheduled time, Coz she is the 1 who is dropping you off home rather than other way round.

• You can’t read the car magazine in front of friends

• You can’t visit the auto show coz no body will believe that you were looking at the cars and not the models.

• Drive-in takeaway`s have no meaning in your life.

• Come to think of it Drive-in theaters also have no meaning for you

• You can’t go to big bazaar and shop as if you are shopping for the whole colony

• Rain Rain go away, come again another day. Little johny aint know how to drive

• And even my MOM has learnt it.

DAMN and More DAMN

Blogging breaks and its fallouts

Long long time ago, and a still remember I used to blog every day.

Yesterday commuting back to home on a god forsaken bus on a god forsaken road I had a realization. Have you ever thought why in the 80`s movies the writers used to go to the hill stations to write, why they would rent a hut on the beach and write.

History is witness to the fact that no literary masterpiece has ever been written hearing the glaring horns of the heavy traffic. I don’t think Milton would have been able to write paradise lost being stuck in traffic in Mumbai rains.

The more you go away from regular flow of creative juices the more they became difficult to come by. It’s been difficult month. Enough things to keep me busy, enough things to ponder and no time to write.

So these days I have been just tweeting. Morning-evening and couple of times in the day. I used to be the types who thought micro blogging is a short term joke and will fade away soon but now after using it for a while I think twitter is equally potent as the blogger. At the end of the day it’s more about the information and opinion.

So pls follow me at Twitter till I dig deep and find more interesting post ideas. Amen.

Heightened Insensitivity

I m rather un-compassionate kinds, I am one of those who might not be the first one to help in case of accident. May be its lack of sensitivity or the grossness of splurged blood, so my point here is that I am neither expert nor even the right person to comment on it.

As a normal workday I was in an auto , stuck in traffic , following traffic lights/policemen etc. Saw the Morgue Van ahead of me. Trying to take left. And there were numerous cars pushing n blaring so as to go first. I wonder at the irony.

I mean however bad my Monday mornings are I wouldn’t like to make it better by stealing a second from a morgue van. 

May "HE" rest in peace.

Guess whose back. Big Daddy

So is it`s a comeback season. Wolverine was here for his origin, so was terminator.for salvation And back were Mammoth and weasel from Ice age for the mammoth ka mammoth baby . So came back the Optimus Prime and Megatron in company of Megan fox (with bigger assets than last time) to unleash the weapons of mass destruction.

But this is not what I was waiting for.

I was waiting for the most Bitched about athlete of all times. Aka Lance of Armstrong fame. I tuned on to unearthly hours, followed him on blogs and pounced onto his tweets. But Alberto Cantador broke what could have been Lance`s greatest race of all times. May be all comebacks are not fairytale.

May be getting 3^rd is still podium for some people and embarrassing for Armstrong. A lot has been said in the press about un-teamly attitude of Cantador linkwhich actually deprived me of visual delight which I felt when Federer won this year`s Wimbledon.

But this post is neither for Lance. Though hes my fav athlete. Its for the Big Daddy of them all.

The ultra rich and uber cool. Schumi. How have ya been

Age of Superheroes

Re-watching season 1 of heroes last night I felt awed and inspired. Its credible that I dint feel anything the first time but I guess that’s the reason why the term rerun was invented. Moving on…so lets say you are standing in the middle of Mumbai roads with heavy downpour and a SPIDER bites you.

(And you go home and take a bath in Dettol water. Would you still become spider-man?? Also why not spider women I mean is spider a gender bias species? Are US researchers listening!!!)

Well since we are just dreaming lets keep the personal hygiene issues out of the way. Practical questions like if batman wishes to poop where does he park his batwings will not be entertained here.

So question is if you are given a choice to pick the Super Heroes/Powers which all you will pick. Dont ask questions like darned MBA`s saying it depends who is giving the choice or depends on how is the choice packaged ...say like Pranab Mukherjee presenting 1984 budget in 2009 which is now a legend in bad packaging industry.

Though at times I believe that I am a mutant with a short term memory loss and my powers inactivated by an evil magician and my life attached to a talking parrot caged in the caves of Canary Island.(why Canary Island?..its tax free dude .u can keep ur loot safe there).

Shall I become Super-man? And start an air shuttle service between Krypton and Earth

Or Peter parker with low self esteem and gorgeous girlfriend

Or Batman coz Bat-mobile is so cool and bat wings are useless

Daredevil. May be less read low box office earnings but still a Hero in Cat-women`s eye

Or Hellboy ..naahh too ugly

I should rather be Mandrake with invisible cloak

Or may be Incredible Hulk. He’s green. Eco friendly with euro IV emission norms compatible.

Or maybe just Chacha Chaudhary with Sabu parked in the porch.

There is less fun in saving the universe against being the manager and let somebody else do the cleanup for you.His brain works faster than the computer you see.

Junk from the Net

I don't usually pasting stuff from the net on the blog but some of the stuff is ridiculously funny.

Just chk the lines i came across

If Men Ruled the World ...
-Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

-Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

-Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

-When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the match, she´d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

-Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you´ll get ´em next time" would pretty much do it.

-Birth control would come in ale or lager.

-Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the IPL team of your choice.

-The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

-"Sorry I´m late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

-At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you´d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

-Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

-Tanks would be far easier to rent.

-Garbage would take itself out.

-Instead of beer belly, you´d get "beer biceps."

-Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You´re #1!"

-Valentine´s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

-The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

-The only show opposite the India-Pak Match would be India-Pak Match from a Different Camera Angle.

-It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

-Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

-When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That´s $10 off."

-The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

-People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

-Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Things to wonder

- When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

- Aren’t the ’good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

- Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

- If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

- If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?

- How come popcorn isn’t a vegetable?

- Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

- If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?


PS:pardon for the extreme ennui inflicted at workplace on the soul of this net junkie.

In pursuit of Happyness

Almost everybody has seen the movie wherein Will Smith fights abject poverty raises his son with etiquette and shows tremendous hunger to survive and succeed.

Last night I watched it umpteenth time at umpteenth re-run. Of course like everybody else I like the movie. Like pseudo intellectuals I have a condition. While watching movie I can’t keep my brain in hibernation and for the same reason I do not like genre of mindless comedies. So while watching the In pursuit of happiness I wonder certain aspects where movie blends with the viewer and force him to empathize. It suddenly struck me that the hunger to succeed or that single minded devotion seems to have vanished on the way.

I left thinking about the instances in my life when I really really wanted certain things to happen. I keep cribbing about lack of passion but suddenly it seems like lack of purpose too. It’s not really question like why I am here and what is the reason of my existence on the planet types, But enlisting those moments where I used to think about a particular thing for 24x7 or where my effort stayed focused.

I can enlist few of those who want a deeper dig into my life. Will appreciate if people can add their own

1. Woeful diet control and learning to inject self when was diagnosed with Type I diabetes and everything around collapsed
2. Making into school soccer team, when they said I am too frail for football and I raised my stamina to a level I could run for more than 100minutes without stop.
3. Std.12^th results, with stupid comment turning into a stupid bet and a stupid rivalry
4. Giving CAT, continued studying unabashed despite lots was happening around
5. Writing GMAT and scoring well by getting up at 3 am and writing mock tests.
6. Surviving in Russia without food and language doing a project

Unfortunately my list is awfully small. These things might not be great things but it involves a time where I gave away everything to make it work. Great life may just be a misnomer but the lack of purpose is what I am after now.

Mysteries of Human behavior

There are so many things about behavioral science, which amazes me no end. In the times before Darwin was born and subsequently imposed the theory of natural selection there were male peacocks flapping their Eastman-color wings or monogamous penguin or croaking tadpoles the method of partner selection had been quite simple and easy.

But as the civilization progressed and humans became more educated, we inflicted a word onto ourselves called COMPATIBILITY. Trust me it has caused more bloodshed in the world then the word WAR.

Cutting it to present implications of the compatibility syndrome its like doctors looking for doctors spouses, IT engineers looking for fellow IT engineers n etc etc…

If an MBA (finance )( e.g ME) look around for another MBA(finance) guess how will we fight.

Her: you did not exercise you Call option hence I am withdrawing your Put option

Me: its ok, you are no more than external liability-depreciating owner’s net worth

Her: If you had no working capital than why did you made the Initial Public Offer

Me: Oh that was just to obtain preferential rights and periodic dividends

Her: whatever you may think but you aren’t the best performing index

Me: My stock performance is directly proportionate to your asset turnover ratio.

Her: Your breakout is never supported by volume

Me: Baby there’s w a thing called return on Investment

Her: you are just a sunk cost of the society

Me: yeah sure, like you are an alpha stock with high beta

Her: I am tired of your talks about the futures wherein the spot has became a spot of bother

Me: Trust me honey I am giving you all the promissory notes I have

………………………………………………………………………….

Pls add more to the list. i got tired of the superfluous jargon :D

Getting even with APPU

Patience has a limit. I earlier thought since its etymologically derived from patient then it just mean being sick/patient for a long time and after a while you are just dead. Anyways patience does have a limit and after a while I do wish to get even. So my wasteful brain embarked on a brilliant idea.

So my dearest APPU, the appended lines are dedicated to you and your society threatening wonderful existence.

1. Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

2. Yo mama so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay”

3. Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

4. Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

5. Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

6. Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money

7. Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

8. Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it

9. Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies

10. Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday

11. Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent.

12. Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

13. Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

14. Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.

15. Yo mama twice the man you are.

God, It feels so nice .I wonder why it dint strike me earlier. Too cool ashwin

A story of missing slippers

Once upon a time, after 5 days being confined to the 2BHK nursing my injured toe (why and how ...read the hapless story below) I got an opportunity to go to south Bombay. Which in those circumstances was very exciting. More so there was a car (we call it Sax-O-4) in which I can comfortable rest my ass on the back seat and can get driven like a king. So I opened the door and ventured inside in all regality.

10 minutes onto that auspicious ride I discovered that there’s only 1 slipper in the car. which if translated means that I happen to drop my right leg slipper while entering the car and I did not even realized it.

I repeat. Forgot the bloddy chappal while entering the CAR. Ever heard such a story. Ask me I have lived it.

My ever-helpful friends refused to turn back and took me to an urbane footwear store in Colaba, good 30 km from where the slipper was last seen.

PS: we did happen to come back from the same route (obviously coz I had forgotten it in my colony and I wouldn’t let go my house in embarrassment of losing a slipper like dt.) and my slipper dearest was lying all-alone there unattended after 8 hours.

Some things are just meant to be part of your life. They will wait for you even if you have been wandering in search of better slippers.