Junk from the Net

I don't usually pasting stuff from the net on the blog but some of the stuff is ridiculously funny.

Just chk the lines i came across

If Men Ruled the World ...
-Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

-Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

-Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

-When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the match, she´d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

-Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you´ll get ´em next time" would pretty much do it.

-Birth control would come in ale or lager.

-Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the IPL team of your choice.

-The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

-"Sorry I´m late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

-At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you´d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

-Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

-Tanks would be far easier to rent.

-Garbage would take itself out.

-Instead of beer belly, you´d get "beer biceps."

-Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You´re #1!"

-Valentine´s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

-The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

-The only show opposite the India-Pak Match would be India-Pak Match from a Different Camera Angle.

-It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

-Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

-When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That´s $10 off."

-The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

-People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

-Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Things to wonder

- When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

- Aren’t the ’good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

- Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

- If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

- If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?

- How come popcorn isn’t a vegetable?

- Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

- If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?


PS:pardon for the extreme ennui inflicted at workplace on the soul of this net junkie.

In pursuit of Happyness

Almost everybody has seen the movie wherein Will Smith fights abject poverty raises his son with etiquette and shows tremendous hunger to survive and succeed.

Last night I watched it umpteenth time at umpteenth re-run. Of course like everybody else I like the movie. Like pseudo intellectuals I have a condition. While watching movie I can’t keep my brain in hibernation and for the same reason I do not like genre of mindless comedies. So while watching the In pursuit of happiness I wonder certain aspects where movie blends with the viewer and force him to empathize. It suddenly struck me that the hunger to succeed or that single minded devotion seems to have vanished on the way.

I left thinking about the instances in my life when I really really wanted certain things to happen. I keep cribbing about lack of passion but suddenly it seems like lack of purpose too. It’s not really question like why I am here and what is the reason of my existence on the planet types, But enlisting those moments where I used to think about a particular thing for 24x7 or where my effort stayed focused.

I can enlist few of those who want a deeper dig into my life. Will appreciate if people can add their own

1. Woeful diet control and learning to inject self when was diagnosed with Type I diabetes and everything around collapsed
2. Making into school soccer team, when they said I am too frail for football and I raised my stamina to a level I could run for more than 100minutes without stop.
3. Std.12^th results, with stupid comment turning into a stupid bet and a stupid rivalry
4. Giving CAT, continued studying unabashed despite lots was happening around
5. Writing GMAT and scoring well by getting up at 3 am and writing mock tests.
6. Surviving in Russia without food and language doing a project

Unfortunately my list is awfully small. These things might not be great things but it involves a time where I gave away everything to make it work. Great life may just be a misnomer but the lack of purpose is what I am after now.

Mysteries of Human behavior

There are so many things about behavioral science, which amazes me no end. In the times before Darwin was born and subsequently imposed the theory of natural selection there were male peacocks flapping their Eastman-color wings or monogamous penguin or croaking tadpoles the method of partner selection had been quite simple and easy.

But as the civilization progressed and humans became more educated, we inflicted a word onto ourselves called COMPATIBILITY. Trust me it has caused more bloodshed in the world then the word WAR.

Cutting it to present implications of the compatibility syndrome its like doctors looking for doctors spouses, IT engineers looking for fellow IT engineers n etc etc…

If an MBA (finance )( e.g ME) look around for another MBA(finance) guess how will we fight.

Her: you did not exercise you Call option hence I am withdrawing your Put option

Me: its ok, you are no more than external liability-depreciating owner’s net worth

Her: If you had no working capital than why did you made the Initial Public Offer

Me: Oh that was just to obtain preferential rights and periodic dividends

Her: whatever you may think but you aren’t the best performing index

Me: My stock performance is directly proportionate to your asset turnover ratio.

Her: Your breakout is never supported by volume

Me: Baby there’s w a thing called return on Investment

Her: you are just a sunk cost of the society

Me: yeah sure, like you are an alpha stock with high beta

Her: I am tired of your talks about the futures wherein the spot has became a spot of bother

Me: Trust me honey I am giving you all the promissory notes I have

………………………………………………………………………….

Pls add more to the list. i got tired of the superfluous jargon :D

Getting even with APPU

Patience has a limit. I earlier thought since its etymologically derived from patient then it just mean being sick/patient for a long time and after a while you are just dead. Anyways patience does have a limit and after a while I do wish to get even. So my wasteful brain embarked on a brilliant idea.

So my dearest APPU, the appended lines are dedicated to you and your society threatening wonderful existence.

1. Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

2. Yo mama so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay”

3. Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

4. Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

5. Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

6. Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money

7. Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

8. Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it

9. Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies

10. Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday

11. Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent.

12. Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

13. Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.

14. Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.

15. Yo mama twice the man you are.

God, It feels so nice .I wonder why it dint strike me earlier. Too cool ashwin

A story of missing slippers

Once upon a time, after 5 days being confined to the 2BHK nursing my injured toe (why and how ...read the hapless story below) I got an opportunity to go to south Bombay. Which in those circumstances was very exciting. More so there was a car (we call it Sax-O-4) in which I can comfortable rest my ass on the back seat and can get driven like a king. So I opened the door and ventured inside in all regality.

10 minutes onto that auspicious ride I discovered that there’s only 1 slipper in the car. which if translated means that I happen to drop my right leg slipper while entering the car and I did not even realized it.

I repeat. Forgot the bloddy chappal while entering the CAR. Ever heard such a story. Ask me I have lived it.

My ever-helpful friends refused to turn back and took me to an urbane footwear store in Colaba, good 30 km from where the slipper was last seen.

PS: we did happen to come back from the same route (obviously coz I had forgotten it in my colony and I wouldn’t let go my house in embarrassment of losing a slipper like dt.) and my slipper dearest was lying all-alone there unattended after 8 hours.

Some things are just meant to be part of your life. They will wait for you even if you have been wandering in search of better slippers.

Life is a JOKE. (Rather practical 1)

I mean yeah the url of the blog says about life in its intricacies the appended stories are also to be based on life only. Of course I do want to cover life stories of rich and famous but my life itself is so funny that I get no time to take a dig at other people’s life.

So what did I do this time?

I actually am rather lazy and most of the pain is not really self-inflicted. But then somehow the gates of the heaven search me from remote corners and put me at epicenter of activity. I was lazing at home watching T20, cursing some unknown bowler who was getting belted by some unknown batsman. Then at 11.45 pm I was told to accompany the gang which was going to celebrate our other friends birthday at his place. Nothing wrong till here. Cake throwing ceremonies were completed and we went to the nearby restaurant to order some beer and of course. B`Day bumps.(see all very usual till here)

With my frail figure I am usually in the kicking party rather than holding-the-guy-party.

So when 2 people try and kick the bday boy what you think will happen.The boy will scream in pain? Incorrect. We had an under his but collision and the other guy who has helping me in kicking the day lights out of the bday boy landed his foot right on my right toe. Result : a minor crack in my bone. I mean what was my fault dude. It wasn’t even my bday so why such present.

So this describes my past 1-week. Have been at house arrest from past 5 days. Jailed at home with nobody and I cant move beyond 10-15 spaces.

Sandip tell me 1 good thing that has happened after you were born I mean seriously even ur birthdays are a threat to mankind.

PS: pls try this at home. I really want a reassurance that such a thing can actually happen.

Back to blog

Having been blogged out of head and fighting ghosts of (navigator) future prosperity and green pastures I am back in front of my old desktop screen with nothing constructive to do.

So where was I lost.

• Attended more weddings, answered umpteen no. of people when is me getting married which is in some light years time.
• Some hectic train journeys including relentless yet unsuccessful berth barters
• Making impressions in-front of parents and convincing that bachelors can also live peacefully and like all the other things concerning generation gap hygiene factors benchmarks also differ among generations.
• Have been out shopping. Quite unlike me but for mom, dad, cousin no. 1, no. 2, no.3.Being the eldest in the joint family is an extremely expensive situation to be in.
• Friends leaving Mumbai. Arranged their farewells, the last lunches, dinners and tea breaks together
• Three novels. Not really 3 mistakes though. Went back to old school fiction and liked it for a change.
  

But now I am back. Bored of being away from writing, from brain juices getting wasted .Bored of the tiring life which lack substance and bored of waiting something good to happen.

So I may march ahead and keep posting ennui details of the journey.